


My Sweetest Downfall

by Crimsoncat



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Brief apperances by the Ponds and Jackie, DW Femslash Week, Day Five - Secret relationship/Forbidden love, F/F, Rare Pairings, background River/Doctor, background Rose/Doctor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-29
Updated: 2016-12-12
Packaged: 2018-08-18 13:23:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8163488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crimsoncat/pseuds/Crimsoncat
Summary: It starts because River is feeling curious one day. After one story too many of the brown eyed blonde, she decides to investigate. River is drawn across time by stories of a woman strong enough to hold the heart of the TARDIS within her, a woman whose smile is as wide as the sky and brighter than the sun.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> No beta, per usual, so please be forgiving of any typos or errors you might find. Doctor Who is one of the great loves of my life, and River and Rose are my favourite characters. I hope I've done them justice here. Title and song fragments come from the Regina Spektor song Samson.
> 
> For the purposes of this story, let's pretend Rose was 21/22ish when she met the Doctor. That will put her around 20 at the start of this fic, and avoids really squicky underage things.
> 
> My first time writing for this fandom. Let me know what you think!

You are my sweetest downfall  
I loved you first, I loved you first

 

* * *

 

   
It starts because River is feeling curious one day. After one story too many of the brown eyed blonde, she decides to investigate. River is drawn across time by stories of a woman strong enough to hold the heart of the TARDIS within her, a woman whose smile is as wide as the sky and brighter than the sun. A woman who her Doctor had loved, in another lifetime. River may be the woman who married the Doctor, but she holds no illusions. She knows Rose could have been that woman, too, if things had gone just a little bit differently.

As it is, River is sure that if she punched her way through reality, if she was brave enough to cross into that alternate universe, she would find Rose and the human version of the Doctor. Married, perhaps with a child or three, and deliriously happy together. But River isn't drawn to that world. That isn't the Rose her Doctor tells her about. So she slips through time and goes looking for Rose before she was the Bad Wolf. Before she traveled across space and time. Before she met and loved the Doctor.

River isn't expecting very much. She doesn't believe a person can be as good and bright as the Doctor insists Rose to be. River thinks he must be remembering wrong, the years and distance building the woman up in his head and hearts until she is more ideal and myth than woman. She knows that Rose will be special (all of the Doctor’s companions are in some way or another) but she doesn't believe the stories he tells her. Cannot believe in a woman who would show mercy to a Dalek. Such a woman does not, could not, exist.

(Except she does. Of course she does. Because the Doctor does not lie about his companions. To them, yes, but never _about_ them. Rose is just as gorgeously brilliant as the Doctor always said she was, and River can understand how he fell in love with her so easily.)

 

*

 

The first time River meets Rose is at a fish and chips stand. River bumps into the blonde as Rose is leaving, smiling even as she helps herself to the younger woman’s wallet. Rose is all smiles and apologies, asks if River is alright, laughs at her own clumsiness (even though they both know it was River’s fault). They part ways, and River tracks her down later that day to return the wallet she’d stolen. And, sure enough, Rose invites her in just as River knew she would. They exchange small talk over cups of tea, and River doesn't notice the way the day slides through her fingers as their conversation evolves.

Rose’s mother comes home hours later, and River is surprised to discover how much time has passed. Rose is easy to talk to, with a sharp mind and a delightful sense of humor. Later, River won't remember what they discussed that first day. What will stay with her is the way Rose’s eyes sparkled when she laughed. How her nose crinkled just so, and that she waved her arms expressively in the middle of a particularly delightful anecdote.

River makes her excuses and says goodbye to Rose and Jackie as she stands and moves towards the door. Rose sees her out, and River makes it halfway to the stairs before Rose calls her name. River turns to find Rose studying her with a contemplative look. She asks if River has plans for the weekend, mentions a party that River knows she cannot attend. River has got what she came for. She can see exactly what drew the Doctor to this young woman. After an afternoon spent together River has absolutely no problem believing every single one of his stories. River has every intention of declining the invitation. She will say goodbye to this luminous creature and return to her own time before she gets herself into trouble.

(Except she doesn't. She finds herself accepting Rose’s invitation, and Rose smiles at her even as River is mentally kicking herself.)

River goes home after that, determined to stay away from the past and all of it’s temptations. Her resolve holds for three weeks. But, that’s the problem with time travel. It doesn't matter that River held strong for three weeks. What matters is that she eventually gives in to the little voice in her head that tells her she should go. And even three weeks later, it's still not too late. She still shows up on Rose’s doorstep right on time so they can travel to the party together.

 

*

 

Eventually, it becomes a game River plays with herself; how long she can hold out before giving in and going back. Each time she leaves Rose she promises that it will be the last time. River swears she will stay away from this woman that is not hers to love. It is a vow she breaks over and over and over again as she constantly returns to Rose’s side.

“Where do you go?” Rose asks her one day. “I don't even know where you live.”

River distracts her with a kiss, hard and urgent, and Rose melts into her with a soft whimper. Rose gives in just long enough for River to feel the cool comfort of relief. But she hardens, pulls away, frowns at River for trying to distract her. River sighs, remembering stories of her determination and persistence, and thinks that it's a miracle she got away with this for so long. River hates that she has to hide so much of herself away. She wants to tell Rose everything. But she can't. No matter how much River wishes she could, it is not something she will ever be able to do.

“Does it really matter?” River’s voice is soft as she skims her fingertips across Rose’s skin, curving her palm around Rose’s cheek and cradling the younger woman’s face gently. “Isn't it enough that I'm here, now?” Rose leans into the touch, watching River carefully. Quietly. And River waits. Memorizes the feel of Rose’s skin. Tells herself that this is the last time. Repeats it over and over until her heart clenches in her chest.

Something must show on her face, some echo of her inner conflict must reflect in her eyes, because Rose softens. Leans towards her and kisses River gently. “It's enough.” Rose murmurs. “For now.”

 

*

 

There are moments when River is mapping Rose’s body with her lips and her teeth and her tongue, moments when her mind travels down roads she promised she would never allow it to travel, and she wonders. Did he (will he) kiss her here? Did she (will she) make these same sounds for him? Does he ( _can_ he) love the single freckle above Rose’s collarbone as much as River does?

River is not a jealous person. She isn't. But in those moments, she cannot breathe. In those moments she bites just a little harder, squeezes just a little too tight. When that feeling settles in her chest and wraps around her lungs she leaves behind evidence of their passion. A bite mark. A bruise. Scratches across an otherwise flawless back. This woman is not hers to love, to claim, to conquer. (But she does. She does.)

River understands now. How he can still long for this woman, so many years after they’ve said goodbye. How he still misses her a lifetime later. Why he will miss her in every single lifetime to come. She wishes that she didn't, but she does. (She knows now, what it is to fall in love without meaning to.)

 

*

 

The days pass slowly. River gets an apartment in the city and a job at the museum, and her days are filled with laughter and with love. She wonders if this is what it feels like to be happy, _truly_ happy, and thinks she could get used to this. The days pass slowly, and River stops lying to herself. Stops pretending that she will leave and never return. Stops pretending that she **can**.

The days pass slowly, but they pass just the same. River forgets why she should be keeping track of the days, until Rose calls her on New Year's Eve to tell her about the random drunken man she met on the street. River had offered to walk her home from the party, should have insisted, but Rose had laughed. Called her concern adorable and insisted she would be fine. She’d sent River on her way with a kiss (and River had spent many delicious minutes getting lost in that kiss). Rose promised to stop by first thing in the morning, promised they would spend New Year's Day together, but she wanted to check in on Jackie first.

River understands now. Why Rose had to go home alone. Listening to the story of the strange drunken man standing in the snow, River gets it. It had to happen that way because it had _always_ happened that way. River couldn't be standing there with her the first time Rose met the Doctor.

Rose is still laughing, and River manages a weak chuckle. The Doctor is dying and being reborn even now, while they stand here talking to one another. The Doctor is dying, and coming for Rose, and waiting for River all at once. River has no memory of the rest of the phone call. One moment she is talking with Rose, and the next she is sitting on the kitchen floor with her head in her hands.

River understands now. She understands the stories the Doctor would tell her, and why his eyes still soften when he speaks of Rose. River understands the delicate way he holds her name in his mouth, like something precious and cherished. Even now. And River finally understands the pain that comes with having to let her go.

(She wonders how long it will take for Rose’s name to be something she speaks with reverence, instead of something she cannot say. How long until memories of Rose bring comfort instead of pain.)

For the first time in a long time, River goes home. It's only been moments since she left. That's the problem with time travel; you can live a lifetime in the spaces between seconds. In the time it takes someone else to blink, you can find and lose everything you never knew you wanted. River swears she won't go back. Vows that she will not return to that time, will stay away from this woman that isn't hers. (This woman who could never be hers, no matter how much she wishes it.)

River does go back through the years, but not for Rose. Not this time. Instead, she goes to see her parents. Amy takes one look at her daughter, trembling and broken in the middle of their living room, and she opens her arms. River lets herself be held, sobbing into her mother’s chest while her father looks on in horrified confusion.

“What happened?” Amy’s voice is soft. Worried. She can count on one hand the number of times she has seen her daughter cry, and never has it been like this. “Talk to us.” River can only shake her head, and Amy’s arms tighten around her in response. They stay like that for hours while Rory hovers nearby.

 

*

 

River does go back eventually. Years later, when the thought of seeing her again is bearable. She times her visit carefully, and catches Rose on one of her brief trips home to visit her mother. The Doctor is off refueling the TARDIS, and Rose is spending a quiet weekend at home with Jackie. River stands across the street and waits. She knows Rose’s history, knows the trajectory of her days, and she does not have to wait long. Rose steps outside just as the sun begins to set. Off to visit a friend, River thinks.

She spots River immediately, emotions flashing across her face faster than River can track. Rose crosses the street, expression closed and careful, and River thinks about leaving. Running before this woman can reach her. She is part Wolf now. She has explored other worlds and lived through things that have changed her. She is not River’s Rose anymore. No, this Rose belongs to the Doctor. (And River isn't sure she will survive meeting her.)

Rose stops in front of her, and she waits for River to say something. But River’s carefully prepared explanations and excuses fly out of her head as soon as Rose is close enough to touch. She doesn't, of course, but she _could_. If River raised her arm and extended her hand, she could drag her fingertips across Rose’s arm. That knowledge makes her mouth go dry. Wipes her mind clean. Rose waits for River to speak, but she doesn't. She can't. So they stand there and watch one another.

River doesn't know how much time passes. But she knows the exact moment Rose figures out why she left. Something sparks behind Rose’s eyes and River considers running in that moment, thinks about leaving again. The panic that flashes across River’s face, however briefly, is all the confirmation that Rose needs.

“You knew.” Rose whispers. “You knew he was coming, somehow. Didn’t you? You knew, and that's why..” Rose’s voice falters. Her lip trembles for just a moment, and it breaks River’s heart all over again.

“Yes.” River sighs, because there's no point in trying to deny it. River Song is an enigma wrapped in a mystery to 99.9% of the known universe. But this woman, this gorgeously brilliant creature, has always been able to read her like a book. Rose will know that she's lying, so River doesn't even bother trying to deceive her. “Yes, Rose. I knew.”

She doesn't expect the fury that flashes in Rose’s eyes. River doesn't expect her to close the space between them, her fists falling against River’s chest. She doesn't expect it to hurt as much as it does.

“How could you?” Rose demands. “How _could_ you?! What right did you have to make that decision for me?”

It's the sob that finally makes River move. It's the way Rose’s voice breaks that makes River’s arms come up, pulling Rose against her and trapping surprisingly strong fists between them. River presses her lips against Rose’s temple, and inhales deeply. She still smells like River’s Rose. But there is something else there, too. The sharp, almost metallic scent of the TARDIS. The comforting smell of time travel. There is so much that she wants to say, so much that River wants to tell her. but River’s words die on her tongue. This isn't her Rose, not anymore. This Rose belongs to the Doctor and the TARDIS and the stars. She belongs to the Wolf, and she belongs to herself.

(And she is still the most beautiful thing that River has ever seen.)

“I'm sorry.” River finally murmurs against her skin. What else can she say, really. What else matters in the end? Because this isn't her Rose anymore. And this is where they were always heading, even if Rose doesn't know that. They were always moving towards this moment, and if River had just been strong enough to stay away then they both would have been spared this pain.

Rose sags against her, the anger disappearing as quickly as it came. “I thought it was something I'd done.” Rose confesses softly, her voice small and hurt, and River holds her tighter.

They go for tea, and sit too close to one another. If River closes her eyes she can almost pretend that nothing has changed. But then Rose shifts, and the air around them is filled with that smell. The almost metallic scent of the TARDIS that reminds River exactly how much things _have_ changed. That this isn't the same Rose that she left behind.

River wants to warn Rose. Tell her what the future holds for her. She is so tired of knowing the things that she knows, and never being able to _change_ anything. She thinks that maybe, maybe if she was careful and if they both tried, they could still end up together. They could still be happy and safe in one another's arms. But then Rose starts to tell her about her time with the Doctor. Rose tells her about their travels. (River has heard these stories before, but it's interesting to hear them from another perspective. Interesting even as it breaks what remains of River’s heart.)

That is the moment when River knows that she made the right decision. When Rose speaks about the Doctor and the TARDIS and the things she has seen, she is transformed. Her entire being lights up and her eyes have never been this bright. So River listens, laughs in all the right places, and lets her heart break all over again as she lets go of her last desperate dream.

River understands more about Rose than she ever wanted to. She understands why the Doctor’s voice softens when he speaks of her, even now. And River knows what it is to love her, and be loved by her in return. River has never known anything close to the peace she felt late at night, when the city was asleep and Rose was curled against her side. The marrow deep contentment that consumed her in those moments is like nothing she has ever known, or will ever know again. River never thought she would understand so completely. But, she isn't done learning yet. She still has to say goodbye, and let her go.

Time passes quickly, as it always does when River is listening to Rose’s voice, and all too soon they are standing on the street saying goodbye to one another. Rose hugs her tightly, and River tries to memorize the way Rose feels pressed so close against her body.

“You could come with us.” Rose offers when they finally pull away from one another.

River wants to say yes. She wants to travel across space and time with this amazing woman at her side. She wants to fight for her, and she wants to win. But River knows that she can't do that. Knows that it isn't how time plays out. She cannot change the path Rose is on, even if she wishes she could with all that she has. Rose reads the answer on her face, and River looks away when the younger woman’s eyes fill with tears.

“Be careful.” River says, instead of everything else she wants to tell her. “Stay safe.”

“I will if you will.” Rose counters, making River smile.

River kisses her then, one last time, and Rose stiffens for just a moment before melting into River like she used to. It confirms what River already knows, that she isn't her Rose anymore. But then strong arms are wrapping around River’s neck, and Rose is kissing her like she means it. Like she is never going to let River go.

She does, of course. Eventually they step away from one another and exchange a farewell that feels too final. River watches as Rose walks away from her. She waits for Rose to look back, but she doesn't. And then Rose is gone, around the corner and off towards a future that doesn't include River. She is gone and River cannot follow her, because that is not how time works for them.

River understands it now. The look the Doctor gets whenever he mentions her, this woman who is more beautiful than anything River has ever seen. She understands the pain of letting Rose go. The pain of sending her off to enjoy a future with someone else.

Instead of going back home where she belongs, River spends two years sliding through time and across the galaxy. She loses herself in the beauty and insanity of the universe, and she tries to forget the taste of Rose’s lips and the smell of her hair. River visits her parents and wins wars and even becomes a space pirate for a bit. She tells herself over and over again that this is how things have to be. She will not see Rose again, she will let the younger woman find her own happiness and her own path. Even if that path leads her further and further away from River with each step.

River spends two years galavanting across the stars. She spends two years trying to forget the way Rose’s eyes sparkled when she laughed. She spends two years telling herself that this is how life has to be.

But, that's the problem with time travel. When River breaks, _if_ River breaks, it won't matter how many years she stayed away. She can go right back to that moment and join them on the TARDIS. The thought haunts her, and River tells herself that she will not break. Not this time.

River has learned many things she never thought she'd know. She has learned that Rose likes being kissed behind her left ear, but not her right. She has learned that trying to tickle the younger woman is a good way to get kicked in the face as Rose flails and tries to escape. River has learned that Rose is not someone you forget or get over or let go. And she spends a lot of time remembering the way Rose’s eyes flashed the last time River made a decision for her.

River spends two years trying to forget a woman who is unforgettable, and then a year figuring out all the ways a life together could go wrong. But, that's the great thing about time travel. It doesn't matter how long River spends trying to forget, or talk herself out of a decision she is afraid to make. What matters is when she finally accepts that she's been lying to herself, when she finally accepts that she can't stay away, no time has passed at all.

When Rose returns home, when she makes it back to the apartment she shares with her mother, River is there waiting for her. It's a horrible idea, and River has spent a long time thinking about all the different ways this can (and probably will) go wrong. But when Rose smiles at her, as wide as the sky and brighter than the sun, River thinks that it doesn't matter.

And for once, she isn't lying to herself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A link to a fanmix made for this fic :)

perfectlyrose made a fanmix for this fic, and it's absolutely _incredible._ You can listen to it on 8tracks [HERE](http://8tracks.com/perfectlyrose/i-didn-t-mean-to-fall-in-love).

Original tumblr post for this mix is [HERE](http://perfectlyrose.tumblr.com/post/154144515155/i-didnt-mean-to-fall-in-love-listen-she).

This mix is not mine. You can find perfectlyrose's tumblr [HERE](http://perfectlyrose.tumblr.com/) and her AO3 page [HERE](http://archiveofourown.org/users/perfectlyrose/pseuds/perfectlyrose). Please let her know what you think!


End file.
